ATTENTION, STAFF.
As so many of you have predicted, I am under house arrest. Again.
My hearing is scheduled for three weeks from now—at which time, I am confident I shall be able to clear up this little mess.
Anyone with even half of the brain cells that God gave Godwin, my driver, would have understood that I was telling the truth. The guard in the Dutch Masters gallery of the Art Institute should have KNOWN when I said that my research was for a book I was writing.
If this guard (and her supervisor, and his supervisor) cannot discern between “scoping the museum out for an actual heist” and “scoping the museum out for a book about a heist,” well, that clearly should not be my problem.
Just because I disassembled ONE control panel (and it wasn’t even guarding Anything Important—just some mediocre pre-Raphaelite dreck) and temporarily disarmed the proximity sensors in the Medieval Wing (they did NOT have any signs posted about using electromagnets—how was I to know?) does not justify their use of rudeness.
ANYWAY.
While I am in residence at the Manor during this trying time, I have the following requirements:
- Should I walk into any room, hallway, or area you are in, turn immediately to the wall, placing your forehead between ½ and 2 inches away from the surface. DO NOT press your forehead directly against it. Sebastien, you know why.
- All curtains, drapes, blinds, or shades shall be opened by 6:45 a.m., but only halfway, weather permitting. Please check your light meters against the range of acceptable footcandles. You will find the chart in the servants’ kitchen.
- Throughout the night (between 11 p.m and 4 a.m.), and during my nap time (11 a.m. and 6 p.m.) a minimum of two (2) staff members must walk quietly through all of the rooms of the house, including my bedroom, while breathing deeply. This is to ensure that there are no gas leaks on the property. Remember to wear your fall-alert bracelets to inform the fire department if you faint, collapse, or die. Please use the white socks provided. You need not enter my brother’s room, as he is probably immune to poisonous gas.
- ABSOLUTELY NO ONE is to remove the squirrels from the front parlor.
Thank you for your continued support.
—Sultana Dietrich
P.S. No one may leave the house or grounds, and no one may quit. Your cell phones, passports, and driver’s licenses will all be locked in my personal safe until I have been released from my unjust imprisonment. If I’m stuck in my home, I see no reason why you, my devoted employees, shouldn’t be stuck with me.
Recent Comments