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Dear Reader:

My beloved sister, Sultana Dietrich, has sent me a Memo, with Commands (she likes to capitalize things). I didn’t read it, for obvious reasons. But I think Sultana wants me to give you the production schedule for the Ember Years series. It’s impossible, because of who my writing partner happens to be. To wit:

  1. We wrote Book 1 in our Ember Years series and published it. Critics raved—by which we mean they were overcome with eldritch terror and gibbered into their pillows until they expired.

2. We wrote Books 2 and 3 separately, because the sound of her screams is so haunting and eerie. This was a trying time. The household staff went on strike three times, and I came close to murder.

3. Two weeks ago, we finished Book 4, which we have discovered is Book 5 of our series. Sultana set fire to the gardener’s shed. I don’t know what he was storing back there, but the flames raged for three days and smelled of Pumpkin Spice.

4. And now we are revising Books 2 and 3, so they are Books 1 and 2. Sultana is in hiding, possibly from the law.

5. The previous Book 1 has now become Book 3, after a massive fight with Sultana. I’ve been forced to take two weeks off to recuperate at our place on Lake Como. Clooney says, “Hi.”

6. Do we even know what Book 4 is? I have lost track by this point.

7. And Sultana keeps glaring at me, stroking Bertrand, her horrible Sphynx cat. Bertrand has to wear sweaters to avoid sunburn. He needs special skin care to avoid blackheads. And on the rare occasions I’ve had to pick him up, he’s far too hot and weird to the touch. Should cats be so sticky and leave greasy stains on the upholstery? I’m not entirely sure he’s a cat at all.

So all that to say, maybe we’ll have some books out by Thanksgiving? Or Christmas? Or the Feast of St. Crispin? I shall certainly let you know when—

FITZWILLIAM. STOP THIS BLATHERING and get back to work. I CAN SEE THIS AND I CAN SEE THAT YOU ARE NOT WORKING ON OUR NOVELS.

Do not make me come over to your side of the house. Because I WILL, and I will bring my CAT and let him suction his butt to your DESK. You KNOW that I will do it, so don’t even test me. —Sultana

—P.S. I shall also hide all your Tic Tacs.

—P.P.S. No. I shall NOT hide them. I shall let Bertrand lick some of them and not tell you which ones.

—P.P.P.S. Or perhaps I already have. Now get back to work.

 

(This is not Sultana Dietrich’s cat. This is an entirely different cat. Sultana’s cat is much more disturbing, and repeated attempts to photograph it have failed. https://www.businessinsider.co.za/photos-sphynx-cat-with…)